I was going to write a list of things that I've done recently, but I feel like all I do anymore is write brief lists about what I've done and post music. It feels like the more I refuse to think about the things going on in my life, the harder it is to let myself go here. Journalling used to be kind of a sanctuary, I think, where I could write down everything that was going on and receive—I don't know, some measure of certainty that I wasn't as much of a monster as I thought I was? To soak up sympathy because I wasn't getting it in real life?
I don't know. I don't even think I can be coherent in an entry anymore. My thoughts just whirl around, and I'm unable to put them in any order. I guess the easiest kind of peace I get right now is here, late at night with my dad asleep and no one else here but my cat, lying next to me.
I had a great night tonight, you know.![[profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
lady_krysis, scheherezhad and I went to Mulan's, a Chinese buffet that I actually don't mind (fyi for those of you who haven't been reading my journal for very long, I hate Chinese food. It's usually too oily for me, and I had this incredibly unpleasant experience with a delicacy called a Century Egg) and we chatted about fandom, because my rl friends are awesome. Didn't get the opportunity to see dungeonmarm, though, which made me sad because he knows we all get together on Tuesdays, and I spammed his phone with texts and calls. Still, we watched a bunch of Sherlock fanvids, and I introduced them both to the first two episodes of The Middleman, so it's not a total loss. Have I mentioned that my friends are awesome? Because they really are.
I had today off and spent the majority of it curled in bed, writing and searching out photos to be the PBs of my original characters, because it's always easier to keep them firmly in mind if you have a reference to look back to. Other than that, I really didn't get very much of what I intended to get done completed, but I'm okay with that.
Of course, the big cloud over my head right now is my mother. She has cancer. Liver cancer. It's harder to write that down than I thought, honestly. I've had a tumultuous relationship with her back when I was younger, but I really love her. And she keeps expecting me to be strong, to be this bastion of hope or something, be optimistic, because somehow she's gotten it into her head that I'm an optimistic person, when I think I'm the biggest pessimist I know, and I've already begun silently saying my good-byes to her so I'll be prepared when that happens.
At any rate, she was in the hospital over the weekend because they found lesions on her liver. We haven't gotten any word on whether or not the cancer's metastasized, so we're just sitting and waiting now. I hate sitting and waiting.
In other news, my dad got me a Droid 2 Global as my Christmas gift, which is super awesome. It's like having a little laptop in my pocket. I think I'm going to name her Esme. I'm not sure about that yet.
I've lost five pounds, according to the scale. I don't feel like I've lost anything, so who knows.
For months now, I've been feeling like I'm on pause, waiting for someone to press the play button on my life. I have a million things to write, work to do, and I have no motivation for any of it.
I don't know. I don't even think I can be coherent in an entry anymore. My thoughts just whirl around, and I'm unable to put them in any order. I guess the easiest kind of peace I get right now is here, late at night with my dad asleep and no one else here but my cat, lying next to me.
I had a great night tonight, you know.
lady_krysis, scheherezhad and I went to Mulan's, a Chinese buffet that I actually don't mind (fyi for those of you who haven't been reading my journal for very long, I hate Chinese food. It's usually too oily for me, and I had this incredibly unpleasant experience with a delicacy called a Century Egg) and we chatted about fandom, because my rl friends are awesome. Didn't get the opportunity to see dungeonmarm, though, which made me sad because he knows we all get together on Tuesdays, and I spammed his phone with texts and calls. Still, we watched a bunch of Sherlock fanvids, and I introduced them both to the first two episodes of The Middleman, so it's not a total loss. Have I mentioned that my friends are awesome? Because they really are.I had today off and spent the majority of it curled in bed, writing and searching out photos to be the PBs of my original characters, because it's always easier to keep them firmly in mind if you have a reference to look back to. Other than that, I really didn't get very much of what I intended to get done completed, but I'm okay with that.
Of course, the big cloud over my head right now is my mother. She has cancer. Liver cancer. It's harder to write that down than I thought, honestly. I've had a tumultuous relationship with her back when I was younger, but I really love her. And she keeps expecting me to be strong, to be this bastion of hope or something, be optimistic, because somehow she's gotten it into her head that I'm an optimistic person, when I think I'm the biggest pessimist I know, and I've already begun silently saying my good-byes to her so I'll be prepared when that happens.
At any rate, she was in the hospital over the weekend because they found lesions on her liver. We haven't gotten any word on whether or not the cancer's metastasized, so we're just sitting and waiting now. I hate sitting and waiting.
In other news, my dad got me a Droid 2 Global as my Christmas gift, which is super awesome. It's like having a little laptop in my pocket. I think I'm going to name her Esme. I'm not sure about that yet.
I've lost five pounds, according to the scale. I don't feel like I've lost anything, so who knows.
For months now, I've been feeling like I'm on pause, waiting for someone to press the play button on my life. I have a million things to write, work to do, and I have no motivation for any of it.