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Okay. Rant ahead. Maybe not so much rant as summary... or something
On Sunday, I saw Cursed.
I'll admit, I was really kind of ambivalent about this movie to begin with, but my father wanted to see it, and I thought "it has Christina Ricci. I like her, so what the hell." And for the first couple of scenes, it was okay.
And then they opened their mouths.
From the very first appearance of the Fortune Teller and two disposable characters, Girl 1 and Girl 2 ("Blood! I see Blood!) we continue on for two hours of the stalest dialogue ever. The freshest bit about it was the interaction between Jesse (hereafter known as the Hot Geek) and his sister Ellie (hereafter known as Depressing, But Not Wednesday Adams or DBNWA)
After Psychic Lady gives us ominous portents about the moon and Blood, we go to Pretty Generic Girl, whom the Hot Geek lusts after, and get to meet Hot Geek's cute dog Zipper. In strides The Bully, who also happens to be, apparently, Boyfriend of Pretty Generic Girl (hereafter known as PGG) and he makes fun of Hot Geek's sexuality and macks on PGG while Hot Geek runs away with his tail between his legs.
Next, to DBNWA, who is dropping by her boyfriend's workplace to surprise him a little. Boyfriend is played by Jared Leto and shall hereafter be called Mr Obvious. Mr Obvious is surprised that DBNWA has shown up, and talks about how he needs space for a couple of days. DBNWA goes off in a huff, and Mr Obvious stares after her with a smouldering look.
The Hot Geek and DBNWA spat as they're driving home, because Hot Geek had to wait an hour before DBNWA showed up, and in the middle a wolf jumps on their windshield, which causes them to careen into the next lane and headlong into another vehicle. Said vehicle careens off the road and tumbles. And tumbles. And screeches. And makes me wonder how fast they were going to cause this kind of accident. Hot Geek and DBNWA scramble down to help. In the process, Disposable Girl 1 gets torn apart and Hot Geek and DBNWA get scratched and bitten. Hot Geek says it was a wolf. No one believes him. Zipper the Dog growls at Hot Geek and bites him.
Cue some weird dreams and an Aha! moment for Hot Geek that ends with him waking up naked in the garden (of course if you do a 'wolf L.A.' search on the internet, the first link you'll click is about werewolves! What? You mean it isn't? Oops.) and you have the next five minutes.
We go to DBNWA's work and instantly meet Stupid Bitch and imagine, to my shock, that Michael Rosenbaum (aka Lex Luthor from Smallville fame, for you few fortunate souls that have not heard my screeching ) is here! Adorable and a little smirky and is wearing... a really bad hairpiece. Woe. Anyway, it's obvious that Lex With Hair is crushing hardcore on DBNWA, and I was rooting for him to be the werewolf. Unfortunately, his name isn't Mr Obvious, it's Lex with Hair. Sigh.
So DBNWA freaks out about liking the smell of blood and there's a lot of her and Work Angst, most having to deal with the Stupid Bitch. If Lex With Hair doesn't like Stupid Bitch, no one likes Stupid Bitch.
Meanwhile, Hot Geek is acclimating himself to Werewolfdom and stands up for himself when The Bully makes gibes once again about Hot Geek's sexuality. The Bully and PGG walk off, and Hot Geek stares after moodily. I think it's around this time where DBNWA and Mr Obvious have another spat due to the fact that Mr Obvious is also Mr Sexy, and Everyone knows about it and wants a piece. Here we see Disposable Girl 2, before she's an even bigger idiot than usual and dies bloodily. Although she did give the werewolf a good chase.
And good lord, Scott Baio is in this movie for two minutes, and he gets a credit in the opening scenes. WTF?
To continue, Hot Geek discovers the Mark of the Beast (five marks in a werewolf's palm that connect to be a pentagram.) DBNWA insists they aren't werewolves and touches 'silver' to prove it. The next day, Hot Geek attempts to put the moves on PGG and gets conned by The Bully into trying out for the wrestling team. He gets his arse beaten until he is like "Hey, I can use my new powers on them", defeats The Bully and his friend, and instantly becomes the It Boy of the School for three minutes.
At DBNWA's work, Lex with Hair is sweet and considerate, and Stupid Bitch is, well, a stupid bitch. Psychic Lady shows up to tell DBNWA how to stop the curse. DBNWA continues going through the change. Hot Geek goes to Mr Obvious and says he's a werewolf. Mr Obvious says that the three of them need to have A Talk. Hot Geek runs out.
Hot geek goes home and decides he wants raw steak. Zipper the Dog whimpers a lot. Hot Geek touches the picture frame that was 'silver' and discovers it's stainless steel. Touches an actual silver utensil and starts smoking. Ow.
There's a knock at the door. Hot Geek answers and finds The Bully. In this scene, The Bully becomes the Oh My God I'm Gay And Hot For You And I Was Internalizing My Homophobia Guy. (hereafter known as OMGIGAHFYAIWIMHG. Or just Gay Boy.) Hot Geek tells Gay Boy that he's a werewolf. Gay Boy blinks and Hot Geek leaves him on his porch. Zipper the Dog steals his steak. Hot Geek tries to get it back, only to find out when Zipper bit him he infected his dog with Werewolfism. Here is when Gay Boy becomes Gay Sidekick, because he follows every single direction Hot Geek gives him. "DRIVE! Okay. LET ME USE YOUR PHONE! Okay. GO THIS WAY! Okay. Gay Sidekick has undergone a complete personality change from the first half of the movie. The Bully and Gay Sidekick are played by the same person, but are two different people. Talk about extreme polarization. Geez.
Mr Obvious turns into Stalker. DBNWA discovers that Mr Obvious is *gasp* a Werewolf. Every character except for PGG meets up at the opening of a new museum of Hollywood Horror thing. You find out there's not just one, but TWO werewolves. (me: please let it be Lex with Hair please let it be Lex with Hair) Mr Obvious says he's not the one who attacked Hot Geek and DBNWA. Werewolf #2 appears from out of nowhere and tears apart the gala. Gay Sidekick is bitten. Everyone runs. Hot Geek gets a body thrown at him and goes down. DBNWA tries to find her brother and is told that no one else but Werewolf #2 is in there. She goes back in there and immediately finds out that random guy had lied.
Finds Hot Geek. Finds Lex with Hair, and is distracted by his two-second red herring right before his face is torn off. There's only one possible person it could be by this point, thought I hoped and prayed otherwise. Yes. It was Stupid Bitch. Sigh.
Following a rather boring fight and an unbelievably stupid line, Stupid Bitch Werewolf is killed. Yay! Everyone's back to normal.
Or are they?
Of course not! They're still cursed! And why? Because Mr Obvious had lied through his teeth. He was the one who bit DBNWA and Hot Geek! Go figure! So Hot Geek and DBNWA continue changing, work together and defeat Mr Obvious. They walk outside.
Oh my god. It's Zipper the Dog (back to normal) and PGG. Hot Geek's life is complete. Turns out Gay Sidekick led her Hot Geek's way and turns her over, almost like he's giving away a bride or something. Hot Geek and PGG kiss because that is what they're supposed to do. Hot Geek, PGG, and Gay Sidekick walk to PGG's house (for some threesome action, hopefully?) and DBNWA stays to clean the house.
The end.
I think I hated it. I don't know if I'm going to do a rant about how I actually felt about the movie and it's decision to use characters as plot devices, though...
I'll admit, I was really kind of ambivalent about this movie to begin with, but my father wanted to see it, and I thought "it has Christina Ricci. I like her, so what the hell." And for the first couple of scenes, it was okay.
And then they opened their mouths.
From the very first appearance of the Fortune Teller and two disposable characters, Girl 1 and Girl 2 ("Blood! I see Blood!) we continue on for two hours of the stalest dialogue ever. The freshest bit about it was the interaction between Jesse (hereafter known as the Hot Geek) and his sister Ellie (hereafter known as Depressing, But Not Wednesday Adams or DBNWA)
After Psychic Lady gives us ominous portents about the moon and Blood, we go to Pretty Generic Girl, whom the Hot Geek lusts after, and get to meet Hot Geek's cute dog Zipper. In strides The Bully, who also happens to be, apparently, Boyfriend of Pretty Generic Girl (hereafter known as PGG) and he makes fun of Hot Geek's sexuality and macks on PGG while Hot Geek runs away with his tail between his legs.
Next, to DBNWA, who is dropping by her boyfriend's workplace to surprise him a little. Boyfriend is played by Jared Leto and shall hereafter be called Mr Obvious. Mr Obvious is surprised that DBNWA has shown up, and talks about how he needs space for a couple of days. DBNWA goes off in a huff, and Mr Obvious stares after her with a smouldering look.
The Hot Geek and DBNWA spat as they're driving home, because Hot Geek had to wait an hour before DBNWA showed up, and in the middle a wolf jumps on their windshield, which causes them to careen into the next lane and headlong into another vehicle. Said vehicle careens off the road and tumbles. And tumbles. And screeches. And makes me wonder how fast they were going to cause this kind of accident. Hot Geek and DBNWA scramble down to help. In the process, Disposable Girl 1 gets torn apart and Hot Geek and DBNWA get scratched and bitten. Hot Geek says it was a wolf. No one believes him. Zipper the Dog growls at Hot Geek and bites him.
Cue some weird dreams and an Aha! moment for Hot Geek that ends with him waking up naked in the garden (of course if you do a 'wolf L.A.' search on the internet, the first link you'll click is about werewolves! What? You mean it isn't? Oops.) and you have the next five minutes.
We go to DBNWA's work and instantly meet Stupid Bitch and imagine, to my shock, that Michael Rosenbaum (aka Lex Luthor from Smallville fame, for you few fortunate souls that have not heard my screeching ) is here! Adorable and a little smirky and is wearing... a really bad hairpiece. Woe. Anyway, it's obvious that Lex With Hair is crushing hardcore on DBNWA, and I was rooting for him to be the werewolf. Unfortunately, his name isn't Mr Obvious, it's Lex with Hair. Sigh.
So DBNWA freaks out about liking the smell of blood and there's a lot of her and Work Angst, most having to deal with the Stupid Bitch. If Lex With Hair doesn't like Stupid Bitch, no one likes Stupid Bitch.
Meanwhile, Hot Geek is acclimating himself to Werewolfdom and stands up for himself when The Bully makes gibes once again about Hot Geek's sexuality. The Bully and PGG walk off, and Hot Geek stares after moodily. I think it's around this time where DBNWA and Mr Obvious have another spat due to the fact that Mr Obvious is also Mr Sexy, and Everyone knows about it and wants a piece. Here we see Disposable Girl 2, before she's an even bigger idiot than usual and dies bloodily. Although she did give the werewolf a good chase.
And good lord, Scott Baio is in this movie for two minutes, and he gets a credit in the opening scenes. WTF?
To continue, Hot Geek discovers the Mark of the Beast (five marks in a werewolf's palm that connect to be a pentagram.) DBNWA insists they aren't werewolves and touches 'silver' to prove it. The next day, Hot Geek attempts to put the moves on PGG and gets conned by The Bully into trying out for the wrestling team. He gets his arse beaten until he is like "Hey, I can use my new powers on them", defeats The Bully and his friend, and instantly becomes the It Boy of the School for three minutes.
At DBNWA's work, Lex with Hair is sweet and considerate, and Stupid Bitch is, well, a stupid bitch. Psychic Lady shows up to tell DBNWA how to stop the curse. DBNWA continues going through the change. Hot Geek goes to Mr Obvious and says he's a werewolf. Mr Obvious says that the three of them need to have A Talk. Hot Geek runs out.
Hot geek goes home and decides he wants raw steak. Zipper the Dog whimpers a lot. Hot Geek touches the picture frame that was 'silver' and discovers it's stainless steel. Touches an actual silver utensil and starts smoking. Ow.
There's a knock at the door. Hot Geek answers and finds The Bully. In this scene, The Bully becomes the Oh My God I'm Gay And Hot For You And I Was Internalizing My Homophobia Guy. (hereafter known as OMGIGAHFYAIWIMHG. Or just Gay Boy.) Hot Geek tells Gay Boy that he's a werewolf. Gay Boy blinks and Hot Geek leaves him on his porch. Zipper the Dog steals his steak. Hot Geek tries to get it back, only to find out when Zipper bit him he infected his dog with Werewolfism. Here is when Gay Boy becomes Gay Sidekick, because he follows every single direction Hot Geek gives him. "DRIVE! Okay. LET ME USE YOUR PHONE! Okay. GO THIS WAY! Okay. Gay Sidekick has undergone a complete personality change from the first half of the movie. The Bully and Gay Sidekick are played by the same person, but are two different people. Talk about extreme polarization. Geez.
Mr Obvious turns into Stalker. DBNWA discovers that Mr Obvious is *gasp* a Werewolf. Every character except for PGG meets up at the opening of a new museum of Hollywood Horror thing. You find out there's not just one, but TWO werewolves. (me: please let it be Lex with Hair please let it be Lex with Hair) Mr Obvious says he's not the one who attacked Hot Geek and DBNWA. Werewolf #2 appears from out of nowhere and tears apart the gala. Gay Sidekick is bitten. Everyone runs. Hot Geek gets a body thrown at him and goes down. DBNWA tries to find her brother and is told that no one else but Werewolf #2 is in there. She goes back in there and immediately finds out that random guy had lied.
Finds Hot Geek. Finds Lex with Hair, and is distracted by his two-second red herring right before his face is torn off. There's only one possible person it could be by this point, thought I hoped and prayed otherwise. Yes. It was Stupid Bitch. Sigh.
Following a rather boring fight and an unbelievably stupid line, Stupid Bitch Werewolf is killed. Yay! Everyone's back to normal.
Or are they?
Of course not! They're still cursed! And why? Because Mr Obvious had lied through his teeth. He was the one who bit DBNWA and Hot Geek! Go figure! So Hot Geek and DBNWA continue changing, work together and defeat Mr Obvious. They walk outside.
Oh my god. It's Zipper the Dog (back to normal) and PGG. Hot Geek's life is complete. Turns out Gay Sidekick led her Hot Geek's way and turns her over, almost like he's giving away a bride or something. Hot Geek and PGG kiss because that is what they're supposed to do. Hot Geek, PGG, and Gay Sidekick walk to PGG's house (for some threesome action, hopefully?) and DBNWA stays to clean the house.
The end.
I think I hated it. I don't know if I'm going to do a rant about how I actually felt about the movie and it's decision to use characters as plot devices, though...