lunesque | *sighs*

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Current Music: Godfather

sighs

A couple of days ago,

krysis_ and I were talking, and I brought up the term ‘meta’. She asked what that was, because I had used it in conjunction with her journal. The only answer I could come up with was “ ‘meta’ is not me…” And then I pointed her over to

reenka as a prime example. Because while

reenka is more fandom meta, and

krysis_ more of a personal meta, that’s what they are. And they’re wonderful at it.

But I’m not.

I guess it comes as a moment for everyone to think about, really, his or her worth. But it’s an especially bitter pill for me to swallow. I’m nothing special. I am nothing unique.

I don’t explore things as widely as

reenka, I’m not as poetic as

dark_soul_lost. I’m not as introspective as

krysis_. I’m not as much of a procrastinator as

cblm, and I’m not as outrageous as

nonewwitticisms, or

elite_stoat. I’m not as thoughtful as

ishuca. I don’t live life as fully as

scheherezhad. I feel like I’m just a bunch of stuff thrown in together, like a garbage can or something, of half finished talents that the higher powers found too brittle for actually talented people. I can sing, but I’m only decent, not good. I’m all right at drama, but I don’t think I’d ever win an Oscar. And I can play an instrument, but I’m neither the best nor the worst. I don’t stand out.

So what am I? A mass of lesser degrees? Almost-there-but-not-quite?

I feel… inadequate.

I’m just another face in the crowd after all.

I guess I feel like I should be prouder of my accomplishments (what accomplishments?) but I’m not. I merely parrot; I am an echo of things that have already been achieved, and my attempts at mimicry are so shoddy as to be unrecognizable of the originals.

My uncle once said that I shouldn’t write because I was too intelligent-that the things I write go over people’s heads… that no one will be able to understand what I’m trying to say.

Where is this vaunted intelligence? Obviously, it skipped town and left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on the door when I got academic suspension.

I think that maybe he was right, for all of the wrong reasons.

I know there are those who will fight with me, to negate everything I’ve said. They will tell me that I amsomeone important, that I’m me, not just another face in the crowd to them, and that everyone feels like this and I am not alone.

But I just… wish… that I could feel like I was worth something.

. . .

Hello.

I’m

moriavis, the girl who was never enough.

Pleased to meet you all.

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I wish I could say something to make you feel better or more important, but... well...

But I just… wish… that I could feel like I was worth something.

There's the reason why that wouldn't work. So the only solace I can really offer is that you're not the only one. I feel the exact same way. Just... exactly that. Yes. *stops babbling*

I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. ^^;; I just feel rather useless. People always say how wonderful we are, and yet, we don't know what they see, do we? *hugs*

You're my Rachel and you're fabulous and I love you. Makishef's right, though - you're not the only one who feels this way.

*wibble* I read your post, too--and I'm sure no one means for us to feel this way. *hugs* I love you too.

And if I ever do anything (cue loud laughter) I'll call you and let you know. ^^

Aw darling. You've made any arguement I make uncool. What am I supposed to say when you already know I'll argue? I suppose by now you know my arguements by heart? *huggles* Anyway you look at it, I love you.

I’m not as much of a procrastinator as cblm

*snorts*

And this is a bad thing?

*loves*

I agree with the other people, honey, you're not the only one who feels like this.

I wish there were something more I could say, some way to let you know that you *are* someone special to me, but I can't seem to think of any words that would convey the emotion properly.

And as far as I'm concerned, as soon as you get your book published, it's going on *my* shelf, because you wrote it.

So there.

*adores*

I hope you feel better, dearling.

*loves and hugs*
Cai

*blushes*

Well, maybe not being as much a procrastinator is a good thing, but still--it's something that stands out. I was so crappy that I was even looking for bad traits in which I was good at, but then again, everyone feels like I do, so even my stupid 'I suck' ranting isn't any different. *sighs* But thank you for trying to make me feel better. *loves*

*snorts*

You *are* unique, dearling.

But really. Grasping as my procrastination. *laughs* Speaking of procrastination...I have an English project that was due today.

Luck I'm sick and got to stay home, right?

Not.

I hate being sick. And we don't have any good food.

*grumbles*

*loves*

Feel better, honey.

*huggles*
Cai

*laughs and snuggles*

ah. ::hug::

i assure you you're not the only one to feel that way. i think we all feel we're not enough. god knows i do. and trust me. being outrageous, as you say, isn't a particularly marketable skill. alas.

But being outrageous is something. Maybe my skill can be the full body blush. ^^ Or maybe not. ^^;;;

So, late as always, I agree with all of the above, especially the fact that we do have to face our worth sometimes, and when we do, we think we're worth nothing.

That's is absolutely and utterly wrong.

We may feel worthless, but we're worth something to someone. I don't care what you say, and I don't care that you'll argue and tell me all of this or that.

You mean something to a lot of people. You're fabulous in your own way. What way, you ask? Well, I shall tell you.

You're complete and utter selflessness, although tending towards an unhealthy bit of you. You give yourself so much, even to people who irritate the bloody hell out of you. You're a marvelous writer (and don't argue with me on that). You've created amazing characters that are just. . . wow. You're an amazingly loyal friend.

You're enough for us, dearest. I don't know how many times I have to beat you over the brain with that, but I will. A lot and become equally as irritating.

Lots of love and hugs.

....

Didn't I say that would be one of the arguements?

=They will tell me that I am someone important, that I'm me, not just another face in the crowd to them, and that everyone feels like this and I am not alone.=

Yeah, I think I covered it. ^^

I--myself, me, I--just want to feel like I'm worth something. I want to see inside me what everyone else seems to see, you know?

And as for all of my good traits, are you saying I'm a HUFFLEPUFF??? *sob*

But I love you. *snuggles*

Yeah, you're a hufflepuff, but you're nasty as all hell and a bitch. You just don't show those two latter traits as much.

And damnit *shakes you vigorously* you're worth SOMETHING!

Maybe you don't see it, but you should, at least, be able to feel it inside. Worth is what we bring to ourselves, and we're all worth something, even if we feel like nothing. We don't see it, and people tell us all too late. Except I've been telling you this for a long time now, and *beats you over the head with it*

*beats you over the head with it some more*

*astral hug*

Worth is what we bring to ourselves

Really?? @_@

Damn, I'm more fucked than I realized!

But I still love you.

I love you too.

*beats you over the head with it some more*

And you're not fucked.

*beats you over head with it even more*

At this rate, you're forcing me to put you into a coma. ;)

Hey, comas are good. Sleeeeeeep. ^^

Dear Moriavis,

You're plenty enough.

You're sweet and kind and thoughtful and ... you're not afraid to say what you feel, and that's difficult for anyone to achieve.

I friended you a while back because you sounded so... not together, but with it -- you understood things and played up to things and discussed things: not just in the Fandom, but world wide and home life and ...

We're all wearing some kind of mask. And that mask is one way to keep ourselves safe, from hurting ... but it also keeps others from seeing the real us.

Sometimes masks slip a little though, and we can catch a glimpse of the person inside, screaming in a crowded room ... that's what makes us real, and important, and like a huge collage pinned up on the wall with childhood dreams and faulty kisses.

It doesn't matter that you don't feel together, or poetic, or wise -- but it's all those faults that make us human and real -- and we all feel that way sometimes.

You're not alone with this, and I love you just the way you are. Just as you are, and will be, and will always be.

::snuggles::

Love, Amy

I... thank you. Thank you.

I was told that emotions often put people on the same level, because everyone *feels* the same, at the core of themselves...

And I know it's when the mask slips that we're most human... I just wish mine wouldn't slip so often.

And : I friended you a while back because you sounded so... not together, but with it

Weren't you disappointed when you found out I'm not with anything at all? *laughs and hugs*

Weren't you disappointed when you found out I'm not with anything at all?

::smiles:: Not that kind of with it. And no. I could never be disappointed in the person that you are.

*snuggles*

I really liked you before, but I think I love you.

*kisses*

You know, personally, I wouldn't really call the ability to be outrageous a talent, as it isn't good or useful, really. Also, everyone is special, everyone is unique, and there is no one in the world like you. Everyoone feels crappy and bland and useless sometimes, but they're not, and you're not. You're you and that's okay. No one wants or expects anything more or less from you, and it's a good thing.

No worries, yo. Cheer up!

Um hum.

Okay.

*winks*

and of course i'm days late in reading this.

but.

you know, i was rewatching my new Utena DVDs and got to one of my favorite episodes. it's about this girl who happens to be transformed through love. it could have been anything that transformed her, really, but for a short period of time this girl shone out from the crowd. for a few days she had the ability to affect the world. she was no longer just a face, a normal person resigned to her lack of distinction. and then she lost what made her shine, though it could be argued that she never really had it at all (it came from someone else, after all).

it was argued in this episode that there are people who truly shine, who touch everyone around them in some way or another, and there are others who do not.

in some ways i think that's true, because i have seen people who shine. they never see it themselves, but it's there.

but i don't think it's the only way to shine, or to live. people are more than just two levels- enough and not enough. the girl who changed in the episode i talked about -did- shine at other times, sometimes hugely affecting the lives of others around her. she didn't change the world, but she -did- change the worlds of others.

that is not 'not enough'. i don't think it has ever been a question of enough or not enough. it is a question of being human. and for you to deprive yourself of that complexity is to deprive the people around you of your complexity as well.

we are, all of us, composed of unfinished things, abandoned personal projects and dreams and half-forgotten childhood wishes. there is no point in defining us by our 'not's, just as there is no point in defining us by our 'is's, either. we are both and neither: their past, persent, and future incarnations tempered by blurred/clear personal insight.

mori, when does it become enough? just enough? more than enough? what do you mean by enough? if it's that you want to see your own shine you're going to have to wait a long time. no mirrors exist that can truly reflect one's own shine. not even the eyes of other people. especially not.

i can't change how you see things, but i can say with complete honesty that you have changed my world, and that i don't doubt there are others who say the same.

and what i have written is -not- a negation of what you've said. nothing can do so. you want what you want, to feel something more. and that makes sense.

but what you wrote doesn't negate what i've said, either. neither is an answer for the other.

just like i don't think that 'being enough' is the answer, either. not really. and i wonder if it's the issue, either.

what is enough?

*hugs*

I... honestly didn't expect such a response to my bi-monthly 'I'm depressed' ranting. ^^;;

I honestly don't know what enough is. It isn't really a question of whether I touch someone's world or not, because I know that I have. I see the daily results with my friends and things.

I suppose I would like just that I had the self-confidence to allow people to care about me, to allow myself to change things, without expecting myself to consistently fuck up. But because I can't allow myself to do that, I only see the things I do wrong, instead of the things I do right.

Sometimes I wonder if I need medication. ^^;;;

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