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This is so freaking funny! This so anti fanfiction I fell over in my chair laughing hysterically the first time I read it! I love it so much that I'm using it in my research paper on fan fiction as a source.
Fanfiction - An Introduction!
Bloiffy - Saturday, July 27, 2002
Human history is littered with failed ideas. Ideas are slippery creatures. Everyone has them, they flit about inside our heads, tiny shoals twisting, turning, changing as we think about them. It takes a person of great intelligence to capture one of these ideas, pin it down like a butterfly, and release it to the world... not really all that much like a butterfly then. For every one of these people there are a million who fail miserably, for every SNES there is a MegaCD, every ribbed condom an amusing cartoon animal-shaped piece of latex.
You may just be wondering where fanfiction fits into all of this. Yes, fanfiction started off life as a concept in the head of some guy some time in the past. This site wouldn't exist if not for this fact. But why am I talking about ideas and failures?
Fanfiction as a whole is not a failed idea. It's something infinitely worse. You see, once an idea is let out into the world, it gets into the heads of a million other people. Not all of these people are going to know what to do with it.
I'm getting ahead of myself here, in fact I have completely failed to answer the simple question that this entire article is supposed to - What is fanfiction?
This idea was probably conceived in some crude form centuries ago when books were being published. Somebody picked up a novel and upon reading it thought to themselves "I could do this much better! The King shouldn't have died at the start, and the ending was pretty depressing. No no, by all rights this is what should've happened!"
And lo! The concept that would come to be known as fanfiction was born, in a fashion. The idea of taking the story created by someone else and changing it in some way had come to be. Now it probably wouldn't be until the advent of the Internet before fanfiction was widespread and well-known, though when TV became pretty much a prerequisite for every home it likely shot up in popularity.
So as I stated before, fanfiction is not a failure of an idea. Most of them die at an early age, buckling under the pressure of not being very good or well-formed, or simply because nobody wants their dick to look like Bugs Bunny or Mickey Mouse, especially when in bed with someone. Fanfiction could, in theory, actually be considered a good idea; a story could be enriched by the additions that a fan could contribute. In theory.
Practical tests have yielded mixed results. The fanfiction authors really don't seem to want to make any real contribution to the betterment of a badly-plotted mess of religious references such as Neon Genesis Evangelion, oh no. Instead they much prefer to debate over much more critical subjects, such as Who makes the best pairing, Shinji/Asuka or Shinji/Rei?, Kaworu and Shinji are not gay, damn it!, and my personal favourite: OMG U R ALL HOMOPHOBIC CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT SHINJI AND KAWORU ARE IN LOVE? THEY OBVIOUSLY GAVE EACH OTHER SPONGEBATHS ON THAT NIGHT WHEN THEY STAYED IN SHINJI'S ROOM TOGETHER, A SCENE SO EROTIC THAT WITH GAINAX'S STRAINING BUDGET THEY COULD NEVER HOPED TO HAVE ANIMATED IT!
So for the third time, fanfiction is not a bad idea. Or at least it wasn't. Concepts like fanfiction aren't static: They grow and change, things are taken away and things are added to the concept. The first fanfic author likely set out to improve something he wasn't too taken with in his or her favourite book. Now, this most pure and innocent of intentions has been...
OKAY, OKAY! ENOUGH WITH THIS FAGGOTRY! It's time for the thing you all came here to see: The IRRATIONAL HATE!!
If you had any faith in humanity left within you, prepare to have it DESTROYED. I must confess; those paragraphs above were a tangled web of lies. A long-winded and unnecessarily gay deception. I APOLOGISE! Nonetheless the deception was necessary so that I could slowly and painlessly ease in any fanfiction virgins out there to the horrendous,
unspeakably terrible truth. Fanfiction was never created with any good intent. If you believe that then you really are going to commit suicide before this article is done. Fanfiction is about one thing and one thing only: MAKING ME WANT TO KILL MYSELF.
Now say that last sentence out loud. It applies to you too, kids. Fanfiction authors are evil international terrorists bent on not only destroying your dick, but also your mind and your very soul. I'm only here to tell you about the many splendoured ways that they're going to do this.
I'm going to try and help you. I'm going to try and help you save yourselves. I can't stop you from clicking on those links. Hell, some of you probably still will even after reading this. There's nothing I can do for you people except pray that your deaths are swift and relatively painless. Relatively because YOU FUCKING DESERVE EVERYTHING YOU GET IF YOU DON'T HEED THESE WORDS. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
Secreted away in this article is everything you need to know about fanfiction. Everything, that is, to avoid THE DICKS IN YOUR EYES BLINDING YOU FOREVER. Once you have read this you should be able to avoid everything suicide-inducing and just read the merely mediocre fanfiction. Which leads us onto the first thing you need to know about fanfiction: You are never going to read a good fanfic. NEVER. On a scale of greatness from one to ten, ten being the greatest thing you could ever read, the best fanfiction you can find would probably register around zero. The worst you can find... Well that would be in triple digit minus figures.
Okay, so that was a slight alteration of the truth. There are in fact a few good fanfics out there, diamonds hidden in the deep brown. The problem is, WHERE THE HELL ARE THEY?
Well this can all depend on your perspective. If you're a raving idiot fanboy (HATING YOU SO MUCH BY THE WAY) then you're probably giggling with glee and loving every minute of the FUCKING SHIT SQUEEZED OUT OF THE BLOATED RECTUMS OF YOUR CO-FAGGOTS. If you have any taste whatsoever, then I heartily recommend AVOIDING FANFICTION ENTIRELY. If you don't want to spend the rest of your life guzzling down prozac and sobbing to yourself, locked in your bathroom and hoping that you'll just disappear, then I suggest you lucky people should just LEAVE NOW. And finally, if you fall into the same category as me, then the only fanfiction you can truly value are those so unbelievably awful, so maddeningly wrong, that by the end of it you won't know whether you want to laugh or cry or KILL HUMANITY.
I appreciate the fact that there are likely many people out there who aren't too experienced in the world of fanfiction, and possibly don't yet know which category they fit into. Boring mediocre fanfiction that giggling fanboys and girls love is rife on the Internet, so you won't really need much in the way of directions to find it. Just typing in " fanfiction" on a search engine will likely give you whole archives of dull fanperson fodder.
The second thing you need to know about fanfiction: The authors have spent many, many years devising several different, yet equally stupid words to describe their work. This is only done to confuse and disorient you, manipulating you into reading the stories just to find out what a citrus fruit had to do with Sandman. And why is Sephiroth spongebathing Cloud so tenderly when the description said that there would be slashing? OH GOD MY EYES!
Here is a quick guide to some of the many words that authors use. They're listed in no particular order JUST BECAUSE I CAN, OKAY? If you're really lucky you might find a handy link to a particularly unpleasant fanfic showcasing each term perfectly. HAVE FUN! ^_______^
Lemon: This is a word you may see a lot of. What has a citrus fruit got to do with fanfiction? Nobody can really say for sure. Perhaps the answer lies rooted in darkness; the first fanfic of its type involving the insertion of citrus fruits into bodily orifices. Perhaps not. The word is used to describe erotic fanfiction. Usually this will involve long clumsy paragraphs riddled with coy metaphors and embarrassing euphemisms. There are in fact a whole range of citric goodies used to describe varying degrees of filth, but only the people even many shameless fanfic authors want to kick in the teeth would bother to utilise any of them. The rule is: If it's got a citrus-fresh name, RUN AWAY.
Though if you're feeling in the mood to tear out your soul, throw it to the ground and perform a joyful tap-dance upon it, I highly recommend A Matter Of Pride, for the moments where you really want to die.
Self-Insertion: A lot of the time this goes hand in hand with Lemons. Another term for SI is a Mary-Sue. Have you ever read a fanfic where a new character suddenly appears in the story with a name not too dissimilar to the author's? This is a self-insertion fanfic. To save you from having to read any self-insertion story ever again, here is the entire plot of each story in one extremely long run on sentence:
New character appears in story, all regular characters grow to respect and care about new character instantly and trust new character completely, new character has sex with main character in a beautiful and emotional scene, new character and main character fall in love, new character and main character have beautifully-detailed and extremely descriptive sex again, the end.
Several times when reading SI fanfiction you may have the urge to PUNCH THE AUTHOR IN THE THROAT. This is a perfectly normal side effect of reading SI, and in fact its main purpose for existing.
A classic example is Teach Me How To Blitz, authored by our very own Patron Saint of fanfiction, Christine!
Yaoi/Slash: I'm shoving both terms together out of convenience and because they pretty much mean the same thing. Ever thought that your two favourite male TV characters are gay, in love and having hot ass sex? Thought not. Chances are, however, that someone else has. Many people, in fact. Ever thought that Harry Potter was gay? Yes, you probably have, but did you write a 64-chapter story about him fucking his little carrot-top friend? I very much doubt it. But again, it's very likely that someone else has. Both Yaoi and slash are about one thing and one thing only: Straight characters butt fucking. Well, okay, there's more to it than that. There's usually lots of ANGST. You know what the strangest thing is? Ninety percent of yaoi and slash is written by women, and not in fact a vicious army of gaybos. That's right, it's every girl's wet dream to see two guys humping each other and weeping with joy. Guys, what does this teach you? To get hot chicks, give one of your other male friends a hand job while she watches!
Actually, what this does teach you is that if you see either of those words, you had better be prepare for the urge to STAB YOURSELF IN THE NECK.
Us^2 is a prime example of why I have scars ALL OVER MY WRISTS.
WAFF: This little innocent-sounding acronym stands for Warm And Fuzzy Feeling. It is also a pseudonym of OH MY GOD I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF and an anagram of TOTAL AND COMPLETE BASTARD. This is the place where fanfic authors go before they die. Characters so filled with angst that it sloshes out their ears feature prominently. This kind of fanfic does exactly what it says on the tin: Warm and fuzzy fluffy stories that are likely to make you vomit. Angst-ridden characters become vibrant and happy when another character wields the flame and melts down the barriers around their hearts. The second character can be anyone, from their best friend of the same gender (leading on to hot buttsex), a member of their family (leading on to eye-searing incest), one of their pets (leading on to MY SUICIDE), or even a self-insert (leading on to a self-congratulatory masturbatory fantasy). But mainly, it's all about wuv and hugs and tears of joy being wept shamelessly, often without the (literal) gayness of slash. Most of it degenerates into depressingly happy GENKI KAWAII ^_____^ crap, so by the time you've seen thousandth giggling schoolgirl who is SO HAPPY because her depression has suddenly lifted and no longer wants wants to kill herself, you may well want to do the job for her. Now maybe it's just me, but shiny happy people holding hands make me want to KILL KILL KILL just as much as angst-ridden depressive OH GOD MY LIFE IS TERRIBLE HERE IS SOME GOTHIC POETRY I WROTE ABOUT IT people. If only there was some way to shut them all up, BUT THERE ARE SO MANY OF THEM!
Slow On The Uptake is a touching tale about how The Backstreet Boys aren't in fact a bunch of bum shagging faggots. NO WONDER IT'S IN THE FICTION CATEGORY!
Parody: This could've been the saving grace of fanfiction. Taking the piss out of things is funny, right? WRONG. Not when it's a raving fanboy/girl doing the pisstaking. You may or many not find that many crossovers are parodies. These stories generally involve HILARIOUSLY WACKY events where the characters go totally OOC AND OMG THIS IS SO FUNNY LOOK SHINJI IS SO ANGRY LMAO!!!! A really good parody should be all about ACTUALLY FUCKING POKING FUN AT THE VERY FOUNDATIONS OF ITS RESPECTIVE FANDOM. Making the characters act ZANY and OUTRAGEOUS is just bollocks.
How Anime TV Show Parodies SHOULD Be!, or MOST DEFINITELY SHOULD NOT, as the case may be.
MST: An abbreviation of Mystery Science Theater 3000, these fanfics are really all about insulting someone else's fanfic. I've never seen Mystery Science Theater 3000 personally (and am feeling all the better for it right now), but if it was as fucking unfunny as most fanfic MSTS, then FUCKING HELL WHAT A DEPRESSING LOAD OF PISS. Though I hear from many reliable sources that the original Mystery Science Theatre was a CLASSIC OF TELEVISUAL PROGRAMING, the fanfiction version must be like some horrible bastardisation out of sheer laziness. MST fanfics involve the quick and easy process of taking another person's mediocre fanfic and fagging it up by inserting your own comments in between paragraphs, or even between each line if the author of the MST is that much of an arsehole. The comments invariably go along the lines of "Ha ha look what the author wrote! That was so awful! I'm so witty and brilliant for pointing it out here and insulting it! Hahahaha!!!". My advice for MST authors: SHOVE YOUR GENITALS IN A MEAT GRINDING MACHINE. A hilariously shitty story is so much better without your FUCKWIT INPUT.
Maybe I'm just missing the joke, having never seen the original TV show. But if someone can show me an MST that I ACTUALLY FIND AMUSING, I will give you a big manly kiss.
To prove my point: The Night It Happened. Funny? NOT IN MY OPINION!
Crossover: There are a stupid amount of serious crossovers out there. The simple recipe for crossovers is to take two or more fandoms, force together using a weak deus ex machina plot contrivance, bring to the boil and serve immediately. If that was an actual foodstuff and not an EXTREMELY GAY metaphor, I'd say a crossover would look not unlike a plateful of steaming dog shite, with a decorative lettuce leaf underneath and a sprig of parsley atop the nutty brown logs. Beautiful mental imagery there, even if I do say so myself! The LOL SO FUNNY crossovers could be considered worse than their straight-faced serious brethren, but it's like trying to choose between herpes and pubic lice for an embarrassing genital ailment.
Evangelion: The Next Generation. SERIOUS CROSSOVER AHOY! Star Trek and Evangelion come together in the most shockingly gay of ways.
So there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. Everything you need to know about fanfiction in order to avoid killing yourself. Unless you're like me, and actually enjoy rooting through the crap just to find that one fic that will lessen your faith in humanity just a little bitty bit more. This is truly a life LIVED ON THE EDGE (RADICAL! XTREME!), it's all too easy to just SNAP, and KILL KILL KILL everything around you in a bloody yaoi-induced slaughter. I don't recommend this life to anyone, but it's something I must do in order to SAVE YOUR SOULS. There is much else to tell about fanfiction, but that must wait for another time and another article. Just heed my warnings, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LISTEN TO WHAT I HAVE SAID!
For now my friends, thank you and goodnight. I leave you with this beautiful and wonderful Digimon poem:
"Cody's Got a Gun,
So you'd better get away, quick.
He'll Shoot you and kill you,
Maul you and blood you.
Cody's Got a Gun,
He'll have so much fun, killing us all.
He killed her, Miyako,
without any regret.
He ended him, Takeru,
His Dark Spirit lay dormant.
Cody's Got a Gun
He shot him, Daisuke,
Right in his chest.
He Murdered him, Ken,
Right in his head.
Cody's Got a Gun,
He Outed her, Hikari,
she deserved it.
He Simply Ravaged him, Willis.
He didn't have to die.
We were all here at a Picnic.
We were just having fun.
When Cody pulled out,
That Jet Black Gun.
He shot us, all of us.
I'm the Only one left.
I'm Going to die.
Cody's Got a Gun.
So We'd Better run.
Cody's Had a Gun.
Now were Done."
Whoops, there goes any last vestiges of sanity that I ever had!
BAI BAI! ^____________^
Fanfiction - An Introduction!
Bloiffy - Saturday, July 27, 2002
Human history is littered with failed ideas. Ideas are slippery creatures. Everyone has them, they flit about inside our heads, tiny shoals twisting, turning, changing as we think about them. It takes a person of great intelligence to capture one of these ideas, pin it down like a butterfly, and release it to the world... not really all that much like a butterfly then. For every one of these people there are a million who fail miserably, for every SNES there is a MegaCD, every ribbed condom an amusing cartoon animal-shaped piece of latex.
You may just be wondering where fanfiction fits into all of this. Yes, fanfiction started off life as a concept in the head of some guy some time in the past. This site wouldn't exist if not for this fact. But why am I talking about ideas and failures?
Fanfiction as a whole is not a failed idea. It's something infinitely worse. You see, once an idea is let out into the world, it gets into the heads of a million other people. Not all of these people are going to know what to do with it.
I'm getting ahead of myself here, in fact I have completely failed to answer the simple question that this entire article is supposed to - What is fanfiction?
This idea was probably conceived in some crude form centuries ago when books were being published. Somebody picked up a novel and upon reading it thought to themselves "I could do this much better! The King shouldn't have died at the start, and the ending was pretty depressing. No no, by all rights this is what should've happened!"
And lo! The concept that would come to be known as fanfiction was born, in a fashion. The idea of taking the story created by someone else and changing it in some way had come to be. Now it probably wouldn't be until the advent of the Internet before fanfiction was widespread and well-known, though when TV became pretty much a prerequisite for every home it likely shot up in popularity.
So as I stated before, fanfiction is not a failure of an idea. Most of them die at an early age, buckling under the pressure of not being very good or well-formed, or simply because nobody wants their dick to look like Bugs Bunny or Mickey Mouse, especially when in bed with someone. Fanfiction could, in theory, actually be considered a good idea; a story could be enriched by the additions that a fan could contribute. In theory.
Practical tests have yielded mixed results. The fanfiction authors really don't seem to want to make any real contribution to the betterment of a badly-plotted mess of religious references such as Neon Genesis Evangelion, oh no. Instead they much prefer to debate over much more critical subjects, such as Who makes the best pairing, Shinji/Asuka or Shinji/Rei?, Kaworu and Shinji are not gay, damn it!, and my personal favourite: OMG U R ALL HOMOPHOBIC CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT SHINJI AND KAWORU ARE IN LOVE? THEY OBVIOUSLY GAVE EACH OTHER SPONGEBATHS ON THAT NIGHT WHEN THEY STAYED IN SHINJI'S ROOM TOGETHER, A SCENE SO EROTIC THAT WITH GAINAX'S STRAINING BUDGET THEY COULD NEVER HOPED TO HAVE ANIMATED IT!
So for the third time, fanfiction is not a bad idea. Or at least it wasn't. Concepts like fanfiction aren't static: They grow and change, things are taken away and things are added to the concept. The first fanfic author likely set out to improve something he wasn't too taken with in his or her favourite book. Now, this most pure and innocent of intentions has been...
OKAY, OKAY! ENOUGH WITH THIS FAGGOTRY! It's time for the thing you all came here to see: The IRRATIONAL HATE!!
If you had any faith in humanity left within you, prepare to have it DESTROYED. I must confess; those paragraphs above were a tangled web of lies. A long-winded and unnecessarily gay deception. I APOLOGISE! Nonetheless the deception was necessary so that I could slowly and painlessly ease in any fanfiction virgins out there to the horrendous,
unspeakably terrible truth. Fanfiction was never created with any good intent. If you believe that then you really are going to commit suicide before this article is done. Fanfiction is about one thing and one thing only: MAKING ME WANT TO KILL MYSELF.
Now say that last sentence out loud. It applies to you too, kids. Fanfiction authors are evil international terrorists bent on not only destroying your dick, but also your mind and your very soul. I'm only here to tell you about the many splendoured ways that they're going to do this.
I'm going to try and help you. I'm going to try and help you save yourselves. I can't stop you from clicking on those links. Hell, some of you probably still will even after reading this. There's nothing I can do for you people except pray that your deaths are swift and relatively painless. Relatively because YOU FUCKING DESERVE EVERYTHING YOU GET IF YOU DON'T HEED THESE WORDS. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
Secreted away in this article is everything you need to know about fanfiction. Everything, that is, to avoid THE DICKS IN YOUR EYES BLINDING YOU FOREVER. Once you have read this you should be able to avoid everything suicide-inducing and just read the merely mediocre fanfiction. Which leads us onto the first thing you need to know about fanfiction: You are never going to read a good fanfic. NEVER. On a scale of greatness from one to ten, ten being the greatest thing you could ever read, the best fanfiction you can find would probably register around zero. The worst you can find... Well that would be in triple digit minus figures.
Okay, so that was a slight alteration of the truth. There are in fact a few good fanfics out there, diamonds hidden in the deep brown. The problem is, WHERE THE HELL ARE THEY?
Well this can all depend on your perspective. If you're a raving idiot fanboy (HATING YOU SO MUCH BY THE WAY) then you're probably giggling with glee and loving every minute of the FUCKING SHIT SQUEEZED OUT OF THE BLOATED RECTUMS OF YOUR CO-FAGGOTS. If you have any taste whatsoever, then I heartily recommend AVOIDING FANFICTION ENTIRELY. If you don't want to spend the rest of your life guzzling down prozac and sobbing to yourself, locked in your bathroom and hoping that you'll just disappear, then I suggest you lucky people should just LEAVE NOW. And finally, if you fall into the same category as me, then the only fanfiction you can truly value are those so unbelievably awful, so maddeningly wrong, that by the end of it you won't know whether you want to laugh or cry or KILL HUMANITY.
I appreciate the fact that there are likely many people out there who aren't too experienced in the world of fanfiction, and possibly don't yet know which category they fit into. Boring mediocre fanfiction that giggling fanboys and girls love is rife on the Internet, so you won't really need much in the way of directions to find it. Just typing in "
The second thing you need to know about fanfiction: The authors have spent many, many years devising several different, yet equally stupid words to describe their work. This is only done to confuse and disorient you, manipulating you into reading the stories just to find out what a citrus fruit had to do with Sandman. And why is Sephiroth spongebathing Cloud so tenderly when the description said that there would be slashing? OH GOD MY EYES!
Here is a quick guide to some of the many words that authors use. They're listed in no particular order JUST BECAUSE I CAN, OKAY? If you're really lucky you might find a handy link to a particularly unpleasant fanfic showcasing each term perfectly. HAVE FUN! ^_______^
Lemon: This is a word you may see a lot of. What has a citrus fruit got to do with fanfiction? Nobody can really say for sure. Perhaps the answer lies rooted in darkness; the first fanfic of its type involving the insertion of citrus fruits into bodily orifices. Perhaps not. The word is used to describe erotic fanfiction. Usually this will involve long clumsy paragraphs riddled with coy metaphors and embarrassing euphemisms. There are in fact a whole range of citric goodies used to describe varying degrees of filth, but only the people even many shameless fanfic authors want to kick in the teeth would bother to utilise any of them. The rule is: If it's got a citrus-fresh name, RUN AWAY.
Though if you're feeling in the mood to tear out your soul, throw it to the ground and perform a joyful tap-dance upon it, I highly recommend A Matter Of Pride, for the moments where you really want to die.
Self-Insertion: A lot of the time this goes hand in hand with Lemons. Another term for SI is a Mary-Sue. Have you ever read a fanfic where a new character suddenly appears in the story with a name not too dissimilar to the author's? This is a self-insertion fanfic. To save you from having to read any self-insertion story ever again, here is the entire plot of each story in one extremely long run on sentence:
New character appears in story, all regular characters grow to respect and care about new character instantly and trust new character completely, new character has sex with main character in a beautiful and emotional scene, new character and main character fall in love, new character and main character have beautifully-detailed and extremely descriptive sex again, the end.
Several times when reading SI fanfiction you may have the urge to PUNCH THE AUTHOR IN THE THROAT. This is a perfectly normal side effect of reading SI, and in fact its main purpose for existing.
A classic example is Teach Me How To Blitz, authored by our very own Patron Saint of fanfiction, Christine!
Yaoi/Slash: I'm shoving both terms together out of convenience and because they pretty much mean the same thing. Ever thought that your two favourite male TV characters are gay, in love and having hot ass sex? Thought not. Chances are, however, that someone else has. Many people, in fact. Ever thought that Harry Potter was gay? Yes, you probably have, but did you write a 64-chapter story about him fucking his little carrot-top friend? I very much doubt it. But again, it's very likely that someone else has. Both Yaoi and slash are about one thing and one thing only: Straight characters butt fucking. Well, okay, there's more to it than that. There's usually lots of ANGST. You know what the strangest thing is? Ninety percent of yaoi and slash is written by women, and not in fact a vicious army of gaybos. That's right, it's every girl's wet dream to see two guys humping each other and weeping with joy. Guys, what does this teach you? To get hot chicks, give one of your other male friends a hand job while she watches!
Actually, what this does teach you is that if you see either of those words, you had better be prepare for the urge to STAB YOURSELF IN THE NECK.
Us^2 is a prime example of why I have scars ALL OVER MY WRISTS.
WAFF: This little innocent-sounding acronym stands for Warm And Fuzzy Feeling. It is also a pseudonym of OH MY GOD I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF and an anagram of TOTAL AND COMPLETE BASTARD. This is the place where fanfic authors go before they die. Characters so filled with angst that it sloshes out their ears feature prominently. This kind of fanfic does exactly what it says on the tin: Warm and fuzzy fluffy stories that are likely to make you vomit. Angst-ridden characters become vibrant and happy when another character wields the flame and melts down the barriers around their hearts. The second character can be anyone, from their best friend of the same gender (leading on to hot buttsex), a member of their family (leading on to eye-searing incest), one of their pets (leading on to MY SUICIDE), or even a self-insert (leading on to a self-congratulatory masturbatory fantasy). But mainly, it's all about wuv and hugs and tears of joy being wept shamelessly, often without the (literal) gayness of slash. Most of it degenerates into depressingly happy GENKI KAWAII ^_____^ crap, so by the time you've seen thousandth giggling schoolgirl who is SO HAPPY because her depression has suddenly lifted and no longer wants wants to kill herself, you may well want to do the job for her. Now maybe it's just me, but shiny happy people holding hands make me want to KILL KILL KILL just as much as angst-ridden depressive OH GOD MY LIFE IS TERRIBLE HERE IS SOME GOTHIC POETRY I WROTE ABOUT IT people. If only there was some way to shut them all up, BUT THERE ARE SO MANY OF THEM!
Slow On The Uptake is a touching tale about how The Backstreet Boys aren't in fact a bunch of bum shagging faggots. NO WONDER IT'S IN THE FICTION CATEGORY!
Parody: This could've been the saving grace of fanfiction. Taking the piss out of things is funny, right? WRONG. Not when it's a raving fanboy/girl doing the pisstaking. You may or many not find that many crossovers are parodies. These stories generally involve HILARIOUSLY WACKY events where the characters go totally OOC AND OMG THIS IS SO FUNNY LOOK SHINJI IS SO ANGRY LMAO!!!! A really good parody should be all about ACTUALLY FUCKING POKING FUN AT THE VERY FOUNDATIONS OF ITS RESPECTIVE FANDOM. Making the characters act ZANY and OUTRAGEOUS is just bollocks.
How Anime TV Show Parodies SHOULD Be!, or MOST DEFINITELY SHOULD NOT, as the case may be.
MST: An abbreviation of Mystery Science Theater 3000, these fanfics are really all about insulting someone else's fanfic. I've never seen Mystery Science Theater 3000 personally (and am feeling all the better for it right now), but if it was as fucking unfunny as most fanfic MSTS, then FUCKING HELL WHAT A DEPRESSING LOAD OF PISS. Though I hear from many reliable sources that the original Mystery Science Theatre was a CLASSIC OF TELEVISUAL PROGRAMING, the fanfiction version must be like some horrible bastardisation out of sheer laziness. MST fanfics involve the quick and easy process of taking another person's mediocre fanfic and fagging it up by inserting your own comments in between paragraphs, or even between each line if the author of the MST is that much of an arsehole. The comments invariably go along the lines of "Ha ha look what the author wrote! That was so awful! I'm so witty and brilliant for pointing it out here and insulting it! Hahahaha!!!". My advice for MST authors: SHOVE YOUR GENITALS IN A MEAT GRINDING MACHINE. A hilariously shitty story is so much better without your FUCKWIT INPUT.
Maybe I'm just missing the joke, having never seen the original TV show. But if someone can show me an MST that I ACTUALLY FIND AMUSING, I will give you a big manly kiss.
To prove my point: The Night It Happened. Funny? NOT IN MY OPINION!
Crossover: There are a stupid amount of serious crossovers out there. The simple recipe for crossovers is to take two or more fandoms, force together using a weak deus ex machina plot contrivance, bring to the boil and serve immediately. If that was an actual foodstuff and not an EXTREMELY GAY metaphor, I'd say a crossover would look not unlike a plateful of steaming dog shite, with a decorative lettuce leaf underneath and a sprig of parsley atop the nutty brown logs. Beautiful mental imagery there, even if I do say so myself! The LOL SO FUNNY crossovers could be considered worse than their straight-faced serious brethren, but it's like trying to choose between herpes and pubic lice for an embarrassing genital ailment.
Evangelion: The Next Generation. SERIOUS CROSSOVER AHOY! Star Trek and Evangelion come together in the most shockingly gay of ways.
So there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. Everything you need to know about fanfiction in order to avoid killing yourself. Unless you're like me, and actually enjoy rooting through the crap just to find that one fic that will lessen your faith in humanity just a little bitty bit more. This is truly a life LIVED ON THE EDGE (RADICAL! XTREME!), it's all too easy to just SNAP, and KILL KILL KILL everything around you in a bloody yaoi-induced slaughter. I don't recommend this life to anyone, but it's something I must do in order to SAVE YOUR SOULS. There is much else to tell about fanfiction, but that must wait for another time and another article. Just heed my warnings, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LISTEN TO WHAT I HAVE SAID!
For now my friends, thank you and goodnight. I leave you with this beautiful and wonderful Digimon poem:
"Cody's Got a Gun,
So you'd better get away, quick.
He'll Shoot you and kill you,
Maul you and blood you.
Cody's Got a Gun,
He'll have so much fun, killing us all.
He killed her, Miyako,
without any regret.
He ended him, Takeru,
His Dark Spirit lay dormant.
Cody's Got a Gun
He shot him, Daisuke,
Right in his chest.
He Murdered him, Ken,
Right in his head.
Cody's Got a Gun,
He Outed her, Hikari,
she deserved it.
He Simply Ravaged him, Willis.
He didn't have to die.
We were all here at a Picnic.
We were just having fun.
When Cody pulled out,
That Jet Black Gun.
He shot us, all of us.
I'm the Only one left.
I'm Going to die.
Cody's Got a Gun.
So We'd Better run.
Cody's Had a Gun.
Now were Done."
Whoops, there goes any last vestiges of sanity that I ever had!
BAI BAI! ^____________^
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i hate to say it, but i find this funny.
the guy has some good points, a lot of bad points, and makes quite a few statements that he can't support.
where did you find it? was it posted somewhere?
anyway, it's better to grin and chortle at people like this- stomping on them only makes them worse.
laughing,
i
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