lunesque | (no subject)

This is interesting.

I've been doing a lot of thinking over the weekend (not so much today, because I am so sick that I am confident my stomach has been trying to climb out of my mouth) and this kind of fits in with the entry I wanted to make before anyway, so. First, it annoys me that I've completely forgotten how to write an appropriate introduction to an essay because this is just absolutely awful. However, that's totally not any point at all for this particular entry. It's just me complaining and procrastinating while my brain tries to figure out how to word what I want to say.

I don't actually remember why I began to blog. I originally opened my first live journal 7-31-02. I think I originally opened it because I'd just posted my first fan fic on ff.net and someone on the... Harry Potter? Gundam Wing? Smallville? I think it was Smallville-- mailing list I was on offered an lj invite, and for some reason it appealed to me. I've always kept journals, ever since I was small, and it never occurred to me that I never had anything to say until I wrote my first post for the journal (which was so completely inane that it hurts me to even think about, and I refuse to look at the beginning of that journal because I'm not that masochistic.) Then I met a lot of nifty people, and it ballooned from there. So, the point of this paragraph was that I didn't actually start this blog because of other people, but I stayed blogging because I found a community of people who liked what I liked, who were intelligent, witty, funny, and really, just delightful in so many ways.

As you might know just from implication in my journal, I don't really have very many friends. It's really a very small circle of people with whom I'm comfortable enough to love and want their company. And since I don't make friends easily, and half of my friends have removed themselves from my immediate sphere, it keeps getting smaller. It's not that I can't talk to people, it's just that they often don't strike me as the kind of people I want as friends, in the context of my mind. Because I'm apparently more likable than I realize, I have a great deal more acquaintances than I used to, primarily because of work, but friends. Friends are hard for me to get and harder for me to keep.

But that's real life. Online, we have instant communication, and the people whose blogs you subscribe to are listed in lj as friends. You read your friends list, you reply to them, you open communication between the two of you and also whoever else happens to stumble by into the conversation. And for me, it's so easy to confuse friends list with actual friends. When I first got into fandom, I friended everyone who friended me because I thought it was the thing to do. Now, I have a tendency to be completely honest in my journal. People on my friends list get subjected to every sniffle I have, how my period is ripping up my insides, when I throw up, all of my family problems that I need to get out and all of my own neuroses. And I'm sorry for that. :D But

nonewwitticisms was weirded out when I told him that I didn't have a single private entry. It's always, always available for at least one more person other than myself to read. And maybe he's right, in a way.

We are all complete strangers. You wouldn't even know what I looked like if I didn't post pictures every once in a while. And yet, I submit and publish things I don't even tell my parents. And perhaps it's strange, to hold nothing back, even though that's how I've decided to live my life. And so I ran. I ran through three different journals, keeping the friends I couldn't bear to part with, the people I felt I had a genuine connection with, and started over. And sometimes I think I hurt people, but that's something I can't help. I'm not even popular, but it's like. If you live, you leave people behind. Or you get left behind. It's all the same.

Now, I have a tendency to be a lot choosier in who I actually decide to friend to my journal, because each piece of me under lock is vulnerable. I parcel out in my words pieces of me and I have to trust-- to trust-- that it won't come back to haunt me. And I have failed--badly--at protecting myself, even with that extra precaution. Now, looking over my current journal, I can see where the armor was built, when it became less about me working out my own issues and beliefs and ideas through writing with an audience that may or may not have responded back to me and became more superficial, less thoughtful and grounded. Which isn't to say that either side is insincere. It's just difficult to find a good balance between... having fun with your audience and expressing your worries to your friends.

Where exactly do we draw the line when we blog? When do personal anecdotes turn into over sharing your problems and concerns? How deep are the connections that we really make with each other here? How much trust (and that word there is so, so important to me. It's crazy how much the meaning that word embodies makes me ache inside) do we hope to have, are expected to give to each other?

Now that that's out of the way, what I said about community segues rather nicely with my next topic:

This is something that I was actually discussing with

scheherezhad on Saturday. I maintained my journal because I met a lot of amazing people. Some so amazing that poetry seemed to drip out of them like honey from their fingertips. Some so amazing that just by talking to them they challenged me and made me a better person, forced me to think about who I was, what I believed, and the kind of person that I wanted to be. And I met all of these people through fandom. And it's astounding that I've been fortunate enough to meet people that I've bonded with so deeply all over such a silly thing as Harry Potter and Kyo Kara Maoh and Stargate: Atlantis.

But that was years ago. I don't know what's happened over time, and I don't know if it's me or people changing or just livejournal and it's newer, stricter policies, but it's not as fun as it used to be. People have stopped writing, or they're writing different things than they used to (which isn't in and of itself a bad thing, mind you) or they just don't care anymore. And I'm obviously speaking from my limited perspective here, but seriously! LJ used to be so much fun and so awesomely witty. The squee wasn't just 'eeeeee omg look at how purty boyz r!' People were coherent and excited enough to put their love into words to share with others, to draw people in to the joy no matter what the pairing was, not to draw battle lines over who is right or wrong. I mean, come on. Fandoms all start from the basis that we, as a group, get together because we love the source material. And we write fic, not necessarily to change canon, but because we want to explore the possibilities we see that the author might not be able to deal with in the confines of their narrative, or as a hobby, or because the characters are really freaking hot and we want porn of them.

Now, I will totally admit that all the fandoms I've been in have been huge (with the exception of KKM, most probably) so I'm very fringe. Like I said, I'm not popular, and hardly anyone knows me, so I happily play in my corner of fandom and all of the pairing wars and hissy fits pass right over my head. The thing is, no one is there in my corner of the fandom anymore! It feels like I'm all alone on the playground waiting for someone to make castles in the sandbox with me and I keep waiting and waiting, only everyone is too grown up to play with me. It's like, sometimes someone will wander by with a cloud of people surrounding them and I can attach myself to the back of the group, smiling nervously at the people in the back with me, but that's just as depressing sometimes, and I'll try to get their attention and fail or I'll realize that they aren't the kind of person I want to be around and end going back to play in the sand by myself.

And that makes me want to throw a fit! I want to stomp my feet and scream at the top of my lungs just to get someone's attention. I might be older, but I still want to play! Why can't I find anyone who wants to play with me! *flails unhappily*

Well. Now that I've gotten all of that out of my system. *toddles off to sleep*

P.S. How would you guys feel if I started writing some of my original characters for a change? Would you guys be interested in seeing what I come up with? y/n?