lunesque | (no subject)

Current Mood: hurt
Current Location: home

(no subject)

A snippet of conversation:

Dad: Sometimes I wish you never heard of Harry Potter and Kyo Kara Maoh.

Me (curiously): Why?

Dad: All this stuff about hearing your 'muses' and giving them names didn't happen until you got involved in writing fanfic.

Me (quietly): They've always been there, Dad. I just never talked about them.

Then I lied and told him that it wasn't as though they were real, and I certainly knew better than that. That of course I didn't take it seriously and that it was really just a game anyway. And we laughed it off and continued with what we were doing.

He never believed me. All this time he's just been humoring my neuroses.

Maybe I am crazy.

Everything comes down all at once, doesn't it?

I'm not happy at all.

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They are real. Believe me, unless you want to throw me and a few other people I know about into the psych hospital right there with you. They are as real as anything.

why are you not happy?

I've been hearing my muses since eighth grade-- at that time, I honestly thought it had to be some sort of weird telepathy thing, because there was no way my brain could make voices and personalities that real.

Over the past few years, I've adopted a complete honesty policy, so I haven't hid the fact that I view my muses as people, real and at times more concrete than actual people I know.

I thought my dad believed me. To find out he was just humoring me because he thought I was crazy hurts, and I think it's broken my trust in him. At least bent.

I guess hurting their children is what parents do best, isn't it?

Everything for a while seemed to be moving so slowly, you know? Like, I was trying to move, but the rest of the world was lagging behind me. And now everything's sped up and my perception of my parents and my friends have changed and school and work and so many other things-- it's like I'm the one lagging behind now, even though I workded so hard to remain in stride.

I've just crashed out of my contentment bubble. Hopefully I'll be able to get back in it. ^^

Not intentionally, but parents have a tendency to be hurtful with the best of intentions. If you really talk to him about it, make it clear that he hurt you and your muses are very real to you, I think he will understand. Maybe he's got something like them, maybe he's just scared it's him who'll look crazy if he believes you.

My dad wouldn't understand. He'd just blame my mother for giving me bad genes and he'd mope and pout about me being crazy, hoping that if he ignores it long enough it'll fix itself.

I should only be so lucky that he would have muses of his own.

Psh. It figures. You're not crazy if you don't share. Or, at least, only share with your friends, who are also writers and who understand exactly what's going on.

Or maybe he doesn't get it because he can't relate, the way the rest of us can. He's always a little dark about it and thus, who you are. Maybe he feels left out and lonely.

And I am done making the attempt to rationalize your father's quote.

In any case, we still love you, babe.

Jon feels suddenly guilty.

♥

I've decided I'm going with you in December.

I think the last two sentences you wrote were the only ones that made sense. ♥

Dad and I will just do our usual thing. He'll emotionally abuse me without realizing it, and be emotionally dependent on me without saying anything, and I will be alternately fond and annoyed at him. We won't talk about muses, and it'll all be good.

I'm glad.

Incidentally, while I was driving around yesterday morning, wasting time so I wouldn't be half an hour early for my first day of work, I found a really nice apartment complex near Cingular.

But it's too nice. I got a price list from the guy and the cheapest one, one bedroom one bath, is $660.

So I guess I'll keep browsing. It was an awfully fancy place, so I was pretty confident it'd be too expensive for us.

Sounds like a plan, luv. ^_^

And we'll need maps, too, so I won't get lost. ^_^

♥

Oh sweetheart. It's just perception. Don't think that way, because it's very definitely not true and, besides that, everyone moves at their own pace.

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