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A Discussion
For those who don't know me well enough to know why I write so slowly (and those who do know, and are slavering for some amusement at my sake) I present this.
This conversation was completed between 1pm to 2:30pm.
Yes, I really am this insane.
*
Me: Okay! Harry, Draco, we need to talk pudding. And smut. We're on a deadline, people!
Draco: Please. Honestly, I ask you: Pudding? Potter? Out of all the eminently attractive people at Hogwarts, you want me to have sex with Scarhead? In pudding? Where's Pansy? Padma? Invite them, and I might reconsider.
Harry: Um?
Me: Draco, you're not as straight as you think you are. What, Harry?
Harry: Um. Malfoy's a boy.
Me: Thank you for noticing this basic, anatomical fact. Oh my god, when did my Harry!muse become so uncanonically clueless?
Gwendal: Rachel, about that cheerleading story you want to do; I can't possibly see how it will work unless we make me… bizarrely kinky.
Me: *sidetracked* Oh, Gwen, you are. You're too repressed not to be. Just be grateful I'm not making you extra snuggly with your plushies. Besides, if it's any comfort, your mother is responsible for your humiliation.
Gwendal: *stare*
Me: Right. So, Draco?
Draco: No Pansy or Padma? No pudding!
Harry: Um. I don't even like pudding all that much. I mean, it's okay...
Me: Please, someone, work with me.
Gwendal: Can't we work on a different one? There is any number of available opportunities. There's the mermaid idea, and the sex pollen idea, and the blindfold idea, and the orgy one—why do we have to do the cheerleading one first?
Me: Because Conrad keeps talking dirty to me.
Conrad: *blushes*
Gwendal: *blushes*
Me: Aha! I get it. Don't worry, Gwen. Conrad likes your hair, and it's perfectly natural for you to get off on Conrad talking dirty.
Gwendal: I do not!
Draco: You're awfully fond of your brother, aren't you?
Gwendal: *stony silence*
Me: You know, for once, Draco's right. Why are you so intent on this?
Gwendal: Because!
Everyone: *waits patiently*
Gwendal: *sulks* The last time you wrote him, you let Shori Shibuya have him.
Shori: *annoyed* Better me than his own brother, I think.
Yuuri: I still don't know why he hasn't ended up with me! I was here before any of them! I thought you liked me and Conrad together!
Shori: Yuuri, you're too young to be doing any of that with Conrad.
Josak: Oh, shut up, all of you. At least you have a chance! She won't even let me look at Conrad because she doesn't like the way I dress!
Me: Hey, look. Conrad's the one who's afraid you'll put him into a dress, okay?
Josak: But he looks so good in blue, don't you think? We need to get him out of those neutral colors. Something shimmery, maybe? Something that has a jacket, to soften those broad shoulders of his--
Harry: Wait, wait, wait. Gwendal's a pureblood, isn't he?
Gwendal: Yes.
Harry: *light bulb* That explains everything!
Gwendal: What do you mean?
Harry: Well, just look at Draco! He's a pureblood, and we all know he's inbred.
Draco: I beg your pardon? Just because I'm a pureblood doesn't mean that I would want to sleep with my brother, thank you.
Harry: How do you know? You don't have one!
Draco: Because I couldn't bear to be touched by an inferior. My father, though... I might not mind that.
Harry: Ew.
Draco: What? My father is amazing. He's basically perfect. Why should I be ashamed? Professor Snape agrees with me, don't you, Professor?
Snape: Drag me into this conversation and I will poison you all.
Harry: But he's your father!
Draco: You're just jealous that your father isn't as brilliant as mine.
Gwendal: I was never in love with my father.
Conrad: You were in love with mine, weren't you?
Gwendal: No, I wasn't! *storms off*
Harry: If you like your Death Eater father so much, Malfoy, you can share the bloody pudding with him! *storms off*
Me: Er. Hello? Story?
*
Let it also be said that my father was concerned and suggested that it might be time for me to visit the room with padded walls.
Sigh.
This conversation was completed between 1pm to 2:30pm.
Yes, I really am this insane.
*
Me: Okay! Harry, Draco, we need to talk pudding. And smut. We're on a deadline, people!
Draco: Please. Honestly, I ask you: Pudding? Potter? Out of all the eminently attractive people at Hogwarts, you want me to have sex with Scarhead? In pudding? Where's Pansy? Padma? Invite them, and I might reconsider.
Harry: Um?
Me: Draco, you're not as straight as you think you are. What, Harry?
Harry: Um. Malfoy's a boy.
Me: Thank you for noticing this basic, anatomical fact. Oh my god, when did my Harry!muse become so uncanonically clueless?
Gwendal: Rachel, about that cheerleading story you want to do; I can't possibly see how it will work unless we make me… bizarrely kinky.
Me: *sidetracked* Oh, Gwen, you are. You're too repressed not to be. Just be grateful I'm not making you extra snuggly with your plushies. Besides, if it's any comfort, your mother is responsible for your humiliation.
Gwendal: *stare*
Me: Right. So, Draco?
Draco: No Pansy or Padma? No pudding!
Harry: Um. I don't even like pudding all that much. I mean, it's okay...
Me: Please, someone, work with me.
Gwendal: Can't we work on a different one? There is any number of available opportunities. There's the mermaid idea, and the sex pollen idea, and the blindfold idea, and the orgy one—why do we have to do the cheerleading one first?
Me: Because Conrad keeps talking dirty to me.
Conrad: *blushes*
Gwendal: *blushes*
Me: Aha! I get it. Don't worry, Gwen. Conrad likes your hair, and it's perfectly natural for you to get off on Conrad talking dirty.
Gwendal: I do not!
Draco: You're awfully fond of your brother, aren't you?
Gwendal: *stony silence*
Me: You know, for once, Draco's right. Why are you so intent on this?
Gwendal: Because!
Everyone: *waits patiently*
Gwendal: *sulks* The last time you wrote him, you let Shori Shibuya have him.
Shori: *annoyed* Better me than his own brother, I think.
Yuuri: I still don't know why he hasn't ended up with me! I was here before any of them! I thought you liked me and Conrad together!
Shori: Yuuri, you're too young to be doing any of that with Conrad.
Josak: Oh, shut up, all of you. At least you have a chance! She won't even let me look at Conrad because she doesn't like the way I dress!
Me: Hey, look. Conrad's the one who's afraid you'll put him into a dress, okay?
Josak: But he looks so good in blue, don't you think? We need to get him out of those neutral colors. Something shimmery, maybe? Something that has a jacket, to soften those broad shoulders of his--
Harry: Wait, wait, wait. Gwendal's a pureblood, isn't he?
Gwendal: Yes.
Harry: *light bulb* That explains everything!
Gwendal: What do you mean?
Harry: Well, just look at Draco! He's a pureblood, and we all know he's inbred.
Draco: I beg your pardon? Just because I'm a pureblood doesn't mean that I would want to sleep with my brother, thank you.
Harry: How do you know? You don't have one!
Draco: Because I couldn't bear to be touched by an inferior. My father, though... I might not mind that.
Harry: Ew.
Draco: What? My father is amazing. He's basically perfect. Why should I be ashamed? Professor Snape agrees with me, don't you, Professor?
Snape: Drag me into this conversation and I will poison you all.
Harry: But he's your father!
Draco: You're just jealous that your father isn't as brilliant as mine.
Gwendal: I was never in love with my father.
Conrad: You were in love with mine, weren't you?
Gwendal: No, I wasn't! *storms off*
Harry: If you like your Death Eater father so much, Malfoy, you can share the bloody pudding with him! *storms off*
Me: Er. Hello? Story?
*
Let it also be said that my father was concerned and suggested that it might be time for me to visit the room with padded walls.
Sigh.